Indulgence
by Quentin B. Caulfield
Summary: [Neji's POV, NejiTen, Ch 6: My baby is dead, Ch 7: I do not wear a mask] An indepth character study of Neji, the Man. Not the unfeeling machine, not the mysterious scared child. Guaranteed absense of cliches and plot summaries.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Naruto_ or anything affiliated with _Naruto.  
_

_This is a three-shot – Desire, Loneliness, and Happiness._

_Neji's POV - _He uses a general 'we' to refer to sentiments shared by himself _and_ Tenten, but many times falls into using 'I.'

Other couples mentioned are not the focus of this piece - besides NejiTenten, I really do not favor any particular pairing. Many of the mentioned "couples" are used for the sake of plot cohesion.

* * *

Our relationship is just that – _ours._

We do not pronounce to the village our claim on each other and we do not participate in flowery displays of affection. Sakura may run herself into the ground wondering _'Does he love me? Does this mean anything?'_ may sulk and brood over her emotional dilemmas, and unknowingly give the entire village a constant update on the state of her love life. And she may feel completely comfortable screeching indignantly whenever Ino insinuates that her darling _Kakashi-sensei_ could do better with a more experienced woman.

But you will never be Sakura – I cannot even imagine you being so completely open. But maybe that's my own fault.

And when Ino chooses to willingly engage in a verbal spa– _shouting match_ with Temari, I can actually feel a flicker of sympathy for Shikamaru: to have not one but _two_ aggressive banshe– _women_ constantly rehashing old grievances with him and with each other is enough to give anyone a mild stroke.

But that is _them_: they are comfortable laying bare both their relationship and their problems.

More importantly, that is **not** _us._

We are not loud. We are not openly affectionate. We do not wear our relationship for all to see.

_We are Shinobi, and we are proud._

But we **are** simply carnal beings, and we **have **simply come to crave each other beyond all reason or protocol.

And when Tsunade slyly pairs us together for long distance missions, there is always an underlying urgency to complete the mission, to begin the trek home because it's only after the mission is complete and whoever was to die is dead, that we can wantonly indulge ourselves in each other. So we travel leisurely back during the day taking roundabout paths and ignoring the main roads, wandering "aimlessly" through the trees until we find a suitable spot to rest and catch our meal.

Then night descends.

The fire's coals illuminate our small clearing, throws flickering shadows onto your face as we begin to get ready for bed – or rather you do. Your bedroll is already laid out, ready and willingly to mold to your spine and cradle your head. But I know you always sleep against a tree, and so do you. You stretch and arch with feline grace, and I cannot help my wandering eyes from glimpsing your smooth torso nor stay my body from igniting at the sound of your small moan of content.

You lift your hands and your hair cascades and unfolds before my greedy eyes – I am the only one who has seen the woman in you, the deliciously human side you keep so securely buried.

And I am the only who will.

_Mine._

The thought will always send a bolt of excitement _zinging_ through my body, stealing my breath as my loins ignite and _clench _and my shoulders hunch in an effort to reign in my beast.

I will have you before the night is out.

I will _devour_ you, _thrust_ myself upon you being until we are so consumed with each other that I won't know where you end and where I begin, always knowing that is some way, I will always be _inside of you_ just as you will always reside within me.

And I will wallow utterly in that delicious feeling.

_So we are humans, and we crave._

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED. 

Now, I'm not in the habit of saying this, but **to all my readers**: I spend a lot of time writing these stories, and take care in accurately portraying these characters. But I won't lie – it is disappointing to see that my work is eliciting no response from you all.

**So please, do review**.

Beyond simple encouragement, **I need to know how my writing appears and strikes other people**. I hope that you can understand the need for feedback.

**On this story**:

I'm sorry if some of the couple allusions were not received well – if you read my profile, you will see that **I favor no specific pairings except for a few** – poor Sakura is especially a victim to my many interests.

Furthermore, I wanted to write Neji's POV – many times he is simply a stoic character, with much of the feeling/torment coming from Tenten's side. I wanted to explore his character, and of course his relationship with Tenten is an integral part of his character.


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto _or anything affiliated with it.

Once again, other couples mentioned are not the focus of this piece - besides NejiTenten, I really do not favor any particular pairing. Many of the mentioned "couples" are used for the sake of plot cohesion.

* * *

_Our relationship is just that – **ours**._

_We are not loud. We are not openly affectionate. We do not wear our relationship for all to see._

_We are Shinobi, and we are proud._

_But we **are** simply carnal beings, and we **have **simply come to crave each other beyond all reason or protocol. _

_And my breath will run ragged as my loins ignite **clench** as I realize that you are **Mine**._

_So we are humans, and we crave._

_But we are **human**, and so we worry._

_Loneliness._

It isn't unnatural to feel a lurking loneliness whenever we are apart – missing someone is only a weakness if it consumes me, strips me of my sense of time and traps me in an unnatural state of _static_.

But recognizing that such irksome loneliness is perfectly natural doesn't alleviate that knot of worry and apprehension whenever you are late, whenever you team comes back and you're not with them. Never before did I question your _habit _of protecting those around you, those you care about, because I knew that I would be the one to protect _you_. But when we were separated, I unthinkingly and quite foolishly assumed that your mission-mates would do the same, would take up my position as _your protector_.

But then from my perch on the city wall, I see you limp tiredly back through the gates of Konoha clutching your arm and trying to relieve the ache in your fingers, and I can neither help my fists from trembling nor my brow from furrowing.

_I should have been with you._

And the _guilt_ is enough to bring me swiftly to your side, to lift you off your tired feet and move you silently towards the hospital. There are no words, no ways to say _again_ that I would much prefer you let your mission-mates _fend for themselves and not unnecessarily endanger yourself **again**_. But beyond my seemingly righteous anger, I appreciate your efforts, the way you thankfully allow me to take solace in your strong heartbeat and in your steady breaths.

For all of my arrogance and all my 'superior' emotional control, I cannot stop my chest from slowly unclenching as my tired mind wallows in the simple fact that you _aren't_ dead, that you've _returned._

_We are **ANBU**. We are the **best**. We would willingly murder and willingly die for our Hokage. _

_But everyday I would willingly die a thousand more deaths if I could assure your return._

It is not sentimental, and such an overly_ sappy_ proclamation would never pass between us.

It is simple **fact** – **_truth_** without all of it embellishments and flowery overtones.

Because you do not understand that each time you insist you need neither my help nor my _protection_, I am left with only unsettling whispers of _doom_, with irrational dreams filled with an oppressing loneliness.

…_With cages and bars._

So when Naruto frantically flies back to his apartment whenever _Teme_ returns from a mission, I don't dismiss him as foolish or needy or _clingy_: while I may not agree with such an obvious display of affection, even I can understand the sentiment behind it.

_I am human, and I am not ashamed._

But I won't lie, and I won't shoehorn.

When you are on a mission, when you are away risking your life _unnecessarily_, I **_hate_** sleeping in our bed.

For all that I wish I could ignore such truths, the deafening silence, the oppressing emptiness, and the vicious _bite_ of my cold sheets against my bare skin remind me again and again that you are not here; my body suddenly becomes hypersensitive to the _vacancy_ beside me and my left side **_burns_** as my mind realizes that _something is wrong_ – _Where are you? Why are you not beside me? … Have you left me?_

I cannot sleep, and it's a merciless and unrelenting insomnia.

_You are away. You maybe dead, and I would never know until it was too late. _

_Rain maybe pouring over your cooling body and silence may have descended upon the once raging battlefield._

_Just as stillness maybe settling into your once pulsing now **bleeding** heart._

_And I do not sleep. I never may again._

* * *

TO BE CONTINUED

Hm, so I took the whole "I may never live again" motif and turned it on its head – because while I do feel that Neji would shed his "life" is Tenten died, I also feel that he would never sleep again, for fear of his dreams, his personal nightmares.

On another note:

**Thank you all who review.** I very encouraged by all of your lively responses – trust me I read each and every one of them wayy more that three times. No joke.

Honestly, this chapter was for you guys.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own _Naruto _or anything affiliated with it.

Once again, other couples mentioned are not the focus of this piece - besides NejiTenten, I really do not favor any particular pairing. Many of the mentioned "couples" are used for the sake of plot cohesion.

**Please read:** I have tried to delve into Neji's character these three chapters. But I have kept him in character. **Also, **I maybe taking requests if anyone's interested – please read the AN at the bottom.

Enjoy!

* * *

_Our relationship is just that – **ours**._

_We are not loud. We are not openly affectionate. We do not wear our relationship for all to see._

_We are Shinobi, and we are proud._

_But as humans we Crave – we crave for the delicious, for the forbidden, for the agonizingly sweet taste of release. _

_It is human, and I refuse to be ashamed of such an uncontrollable craving. _

_For I can accept this singular loss of control – for once, I willingly submit to such a **fate**. _

_But as humans, we worry: we fear losing such _**Happiness**_; we fear the ever-threatening flood of Loneliness that waits just beyond an invisible dam. _

_And so I do not sleep. I may never again because the thought of your once pulsing now **bleeding** heart induces a merciless and unrelenting insomnia._

_But in the midst of all this chaos, at the **heart** all of the lust and desire, all of the loneliness and fear, I have **searched** for something._

_Happiness._

I say that I cannot sleep because visions of you strip the drowsiness from my body and make my heart lurch. But my restlessness turns my mind in on itself: as I lay there in the stillness looking up at a blank ceiling, I cannot rein in my wandering mind – even I cannot stop myself from _remembering_.

_But it is not sentimental._

It is not a nostalgic trek down memory lane, and I am **not**_ indulging _myself in pleasurable memories – in the heat of the night, in the rush and clamor of my mind, there is a babel of voices, a tuneless cacophony of _noise_ that whispers and resonates too loud _so loud. _

Are they voices of my past?

Perhaps.

I have been a Shinobi for my entire life, led missions and mistakenly sentenced my comrades to death – I have made mistakes, sometimes _too many_, and I am not above admitting that sometimes, through the cacophony of noise certain voices do _sing out_, that certain memories and instances do flash suddenly upon my inner eye.

_For all we resist, we instinctively start to care and concern ourselves with our comrades – it is what Shinobi strong, and what makes Konoha Shinobi the **best**_.

But I hate delving into my "emotional past" – it is not like some discarded, dead organ that can be slapped onto a surgical table and dissected, scrutinized and fondled with in a parodic attempt to find _what when wrong_. The very idea that I am currently _corrupt _or _inadequate_ has never and will never settle well with me.

But I concede this: my childhood was not the happiest time of my life.

For as paradoxical as it may seem, I will never carelessly admit to such a _sentiment_ – I may rage against the structure and unfairness of my Clan, and I may condemn and damn the Elders for their actions. But to admit that I was_ unhappy_, that their actions touched something deep within me, is too close to _whining_ for my liking – I **never **beg for pity, and I certainly no longer wear my pain on my sleeve like that foolish Uchiha. I may not have lost an entire clan, but I was wronged by one.

But for _you_, I can admit that once, in one of his many wrathful diatribes against the village, in his many "attempts" to explain his skewed priorities, Sasuke inadvertently articulated a sentiment that I could relate to:

"Such a betrayal etches deep scars onto the soul."

So it is not whining when I say that I was a mirthless child, and it is _more than foolish_ to ask if my childhood affected me, if the absence of a carefree and joyous childhood helped create a boy who was far too jaded for his age.

But you asked me _How_ my lacking childhood affected me, and I could not answer.

To answer would be to _delve into my "emotional past,"_ to really consider how the wrong doings of the Main Branch destroyed some inner child that I could never appreciate. To answer would be to take steps backward, to retrace my footfalls _all the way back_ to my first meeting with Hiashi-sama, to my first experience with the Curse Seal, and then to experience all those betrayals again, to become trapped **_once again_** in such emotional turmoil.

And then would come the _lament_, the _regret_, and the **_pain_**.

To try and understand how **_exactly_** I have been tainted by my childhood is a journey that I would rather never embark upon.

Not even for you.

But regardless of whether I wanted to travel down those mental stairways into the black sea of repressed memories, it seemed I was uncontrollably curious to find out _why_.

_Why _does something inside me **_ache_** whenever I watched our son smile so easily, laugh so carefree

The first time I saw his smile, I was tempted to say that it was _your_ smile, that it was _your_ influence that seemed to make his face glow – I could not rationalize how I could create something so –

…**_Free_**.

_Shinobi. ANBU._

_Kunais lying in pools of blood. Honor riddled with sacrifice. Existence tainted by anxiety. _

_Branch. Main. Five minutes that separates two brothers. _

_Five minutes that creates Cages and Bars. _

That smile is freedom, personified.

And that smile is why you are the only one who will **ever **claim my desire, the only one who will ever know my passionate human side, the only one who will ever know and **claim** _me_; the reason why I cannot sleep whenever I envision your defeat, why I must wait atop Konoha's great wall and remain there until I _see_ and _carry _you home.

His smile, his laugh, his **Happy **eyes – that is our son's joyous childhood.

_As individuals we first envision our own lives and our own paths. But as parents, we live again. _

Some idiot tried to tell me that once, tried to embellish and romanticize my feelings toward you and our son, tried to turn my very straightforward _and yet deep-seated_ feelings into a generalization about _Mankind_ and _Human Existence_.

That is not it at all.

My feelings are not an indicator of anyone else except myself – my thoughts and my perspective.

_Our relationship. **Ours**_.

I will not label it – I cannot. To say that it was _Love_ would be to attach tangled webs of emotion and irrationality to my feelings; to attach cliché phrases and labels to our relationship _to our family_ would only taint pure, _human_ emotion.

All I will say is this.

You make me _Happy_. You and our son make me **_Happy_**.

It is Happiness in its purest form – Joy that I treasure.

It is not sentimental. It is not embellished. It does not require that I pronounce it to the world.

It is **truth**.

_You make me Happy._

* * *

END. 

Well, that's it!

A note on this story: I really liked writing this – I think far too much we try to romanticize Shinobi into something they are not. Humor is great, and done right it is Amazing. But I liked writing character depth into Neji – it's something I don't see a lot of. Also, I tried to stay true to the Neji that I saw him to be: passionate, but again, only to those he really cared about.

And I believe that his family would be the one thing that Neji would care the about, heart and soul. BUT! I couldn't exactly write that – he's not so overly romantic as I may be, nor as general. So, I chose to describe WHY his relationship with his family would be so strong.

I hope I succeed. I really do.

Again, **please review**. You do not know how much your encouragement to me and how much your reaction helped me shape this story – the many comments that I got saying that it was refreshing to see Neji in character really motivated me to finish this Arc with Neji in as much in character as I hoped.

**ON a side note – The continuation of this story:** Hmm, I've debated this one. I really like writing Neji POV. However, this Arc is over – I wish to leave it as it is. _However_, I was wondering if you all had some ideas on _interesting _Neji …emotions. What I mean to say is that, if any of you wish to see Neji address a certain emotion/situation that would reveal some aspect of his personality not normally seen (or one not normally portrayed well), **please leave a review. **Now, while I am asking for requests and ideas, please remember a few guidelines when choosing an idea:

It must aim to reveal some aspect of the Neji/Tenten (romantic) relationship, Neji himself, the Neji/future family/Clan relationship, or the Neji/Other Naruto character (non-romantic).

It can be either a one-shot or an Arc-type thing (but please no more than three chapters).

Humor is nice, but that's not really my specialty. Sorry!

There must be a central, controlling theme in every chapter – for example my three-shot had Desire, Loneliness, and Happiness as the three controlling themes. If your idea includes one of them (desire, loneliness, happiness) that's okay. I'll take a different approach.

Please outline the general idea as best you can – remember this is still my story, so I will have my own take on it, but give me a general direction.

OKAY.

Again, thank you all for reading my story!

And again, **please review.** It really motivates me to continue writing. **And I would like to know if I successfully kept Neji in character – this is very important to me. **

Thank you ALL!


	4. Jealously, Breath In

_Thank you to everyone who pointed out my horrible mistake: I continually wrote 'jealously' instead of 'jealousy.' Eek!_

I do not own _Naruto _or anything affiliated with it.

I did not feel like writing a long introduction that set up time and place - I felt is was unnecessary. This is a piece that includes a truly "Contemplative" Neji, so picture mediating or simply relaxing his mind.

This is for unexpection, upon request.

I hope it meets your standards and expectations - it was one of the hardest pieces to write.

* * *

…Breathe In. 

Out.

What is it to be jealous?

In my short lifetime, I have contemplated many an existentialist concept – Freedom. Imprisonment. Betrayal. These were the old friends, the familiar emotions that used to keep me company, that keep me occupied – feelings that seemed to give my adolescent years direction when all of my peers were so content in the directionless of youth. These were the emotions that kept me focused, the concepts that shaped my younger years.

But _jealousy_….

**_Jealousy_**.

That did not factor into Life's equation. That did not fit with the narrow worldview that I had adopted. Sure, there was the twinge of _Envy_ towards those ignorant _lucky _children who could run around laughing and screaming, who did not have to uphold the Clan honor with their every breath –

…Who had their fathers.

But that was _Envy_, that was frustration and anger, emotions that only served to fuel and support my definition on life, my melancholic belief in the singular, predetermined destiny of each being. I did not envy their weakness; I never wished to be them. I was not _jealous_ of their _lucky_ lives.

So I never wondered nor cared what jealousy was, what it meant to feel 'the green monster' because it was never essential.

_Essential._

Is jealousy essential? Do I need it to be human, to retain my humanity?

If so, it would be a foolish sentiment, _indeed_.

Or is it simply a by-product of my emotions, of my wholly sinful and selfish _primal_ lust for you? Do I feel this imbalance because on my **_basest_** level, under all the rules and protocols of civilization, beneath all of the physical and mental training, there is a side of me that is simply _male_, and there is an instinct that urges me to call you **_Mine_**?

It that was it is to be Jealous? Or is that simply what it is to be Possessive?

But being _Possessive_ is remarkably different from being _Jealous_.

Being possessive only explains why I felt the uncontrollable urge to **cut off** Kiba's hand when he caressed your cheek; being possessive only explains why I _feel_ the unmistakable urge to drag you closer to my side when we walk through town, when the eyes of a few _foolish_ young men stay too long on your vestige and stay too long on your curves; being possessive **_can only_** explain why I my palms **itch** to yank you into the circle of my arms and lay a claiming **possessive** kiss upon your lips whenever Ino suggests that "It's time you found yourself a man."

Foolish woman, you are **Mine**. _Don't forget that_.

But _jealousy_….

_**Jealousy. **_

_What is it to be jealous?_

Is it the angry feeling, the utter **rage** that unwittingly blooms in my chest whenever I see _your_ eyes stare appreciatively upon another man, whenever I see _your_ eyes greedily drink up the image of another? Or is it the brief feeling of helpless that comes right after the haze of anger, the fleeting but terrifying thought that maybe _just maybe_ **he** would be the one to finally temper and possess your fiery spirit?

That he would be the one you returned home to.

Is that Jealousy?

This uneasy feeling in the pit of my stomach that I cannot shake; this irksome, irrational, unfounded _sick _feeling that stays with me regardless of how calm or centered I am, regardless of how much I meditate; this ridiculous dread that somehow, I could lose you to another.

…_Another that has not right to you in the first place._

Is this Jealousy or _Fear_?

_Or are they all the one and the same – all interconnected?_

The Envy. The _Lust_. The **Rage**. The **_Fear_**.

Do they all combine to create the overwhelming, the _drowning_ feeling that consumes me whenever I think of you in the arms of another man? Do they all combine to steal my breath, if only for a second, whenever I consider that maybe _just maybe_ you will find solace in another?

Do they all combine to lead me to the blinding realization that you are **Mine**, and **_fuck_** the others because you are **Mine**?

And no one touches what is **Mine**.

Or is that simply being Possessive?

_But Ah! Circular discussions._

…Breathe In.

Out.

* * *

So, that's all folks! 

Again, I put a lot of work into my work, and I know that it takes me forever to update, but thank you all for staying with me. But judging from my previous posting, I feel like my work is only reaching a few of you. So please review. This piece was really hard for me to write, because I have rarely read a good, accurate(?) Neji piece that includes a Contemplative Neji. So, please tell me how this piece reached you - whether you liked or hated it, your feedback is both helpful and freeing. It shows me how much creative license I am able to have with interpreting Neji's character, and with interpreting Neji's mind, without deviating from the slightly skin and bones characterization we have of him in the story.

So, thank you for reading my work.

QBC.


	5. Ballet

Chestnut (n., adj.) An old, frequently repeated joke, story, or song.

**A note on this piece:** This is quite possibly my diatribe against all those amateur writers who see fit to romanticize the Neji/Tenten relationship – to turn it into a cheesy romance novella by making Neji sprout "I love Yous" about ten sentences into the scene, and to make him say… just the most ridiculously sappy things that are entirely out of character.

**The Setting: **This is not aimed against the romantics out there – for I certainly am one. This is simply how I think Neji would react/reply if ever faced with the accusation that his relationship with Tenten is Unorthodox.

_Diatribe_ may be a two-shot. If it is, they will only be slightly connected.

_

* * *

__Ballet_

I will say it again: We are not chestnut. We are not cliché.

Our _rules_ are different.

To your, Our game, our dance seems unorthodox.

There are no sappy songs, there are no love poems – No whispered words filled with fluff, no promises made about the moon and the stars.

You do not understand why we never casually touch each other, why we speak in formalities, why respect and deference overlay our words and lack undertones of intimacy, confidence, and familiarity; you are unable to understand why we allow all the uninformed eyes to believe that our relationship is caught in a timeless state of "friendship."

Because the fact of the matter is only this: You **cannot** understand, and therefore you _do not_.

And why?

Because you push unto us all of your expectations, all of your exaggerated notions and beliefs that a relationship, that _being in a relationship _must include staged, perfect declarations of love, must in some way culminate in a _crescendo_ of passion and maelstrom of rapid, half-thought-out clichés. Maybe it is your naiveté, your ignorance that makes your believe in such wild possibilities; maybe it is your desperation that allows you to fall so easily into these great, romantic schemes, to truly believe, deep down inside, that there is a knight in shinning armor riding on a white horse just waiting for you.

But our relationship, our dance _our ballet_ is far more complicated and complex for the standard, simple formulas.

The way that we step _twist __**whirl**_ around each other is beautiful and circular in every aspect – two qualities that just _calls_ to the Hyuuga in me. We both understand that we are different, that our circumstances have made it so that our very friendship – the foundation that we have relied upon for eight years – _trembles_ _**groans**_ and inevitably holds strong with every step we take farther into our relationship; we understand that failure in this is not an option, because just as she will never allow someone else undo her buns and run their fingers through her hair, never will I allow another to enter into my room, sit upon my bed and sing me a lullaby to sleep.

The groundwork of this relationship started from the very moment when I asked her to be my sparring partner – the foundations of Trust that took almost a decade to lay and reinforce cannot and will not be replicated again in our lifetimes.

So control your ignorance and reign in your foolish tongue – keep your theories and thoughts about our relationship to yourself.

For you know _**nothing**_.

* * *

To Be Continued. 

**NOTE**: _Whether or not I post the second chapter will depend heavily on if I truly insulted my readers with my work – my second chapter involves even more emotion and reader-addressing._ I am experimenting in addressing the reader and I am quite uncertain how this will come off to you all – did I insult anyone?

I would honestly like to know if this writing style is not received well.

So, Please Review. _And thank you for reading my work._


	6. Karma

**This is not the Diatribe Part II**

**Inspiration**: "I can't tell you to stop feeling the guilt, but I can tell you that I've thought the same thing. That first thought of life, before realizing everything that's been lost."

Please tell me if you do not understand what happens in this piece - is it a bit too confusing and convoluted? Thank you.

* * *

**Karma**

_The choices that we make. The rules that we follow._

_The value system that we live by, the unspoken set of rules that we allow to govern our lives. _

_The consequences of our actions. The Karmic retribution._

_My baby is dead._

There are times in my life, when I would give anything to go back in time, to reverse the past. When I was younger, I was positive _sure beyond a shadow of a doubt_ that if I were given a single wish, a single opportunity to change the past, I would prevent my father from dying. The idea that my father's death was the turning point in my life consumed me – it seemed the final turn of the key in the lock, the lock placed around the cage that was my life.

But that changed the instant I found out my son _or my daughter I'll never know_ was dead.

How can I explain to you the moment? How can I articulate in words that something _something raw and untouched and so very fraile_ inside of me broke, snapped, or just simply **grieved** when my life-long teammate stepped out of the hospital room and told me, through tears and pitiful expressions of regret, that my child was dead?

Dead because of stupidity. Dead because of Pride. Dead because my pitiful excuse of a Clan could not handle an outsider disrupting their tenuous balance of power.

I thought I had paid my dues. I assumed _so foolishly_ that change was my future.

But now my wife grieves. My strong wife who tried to inspire change _to effect the change that I so desperately wanted_ now lies silent in her hospital bed. She, who had listened _actually listened_ to my agony, actually _heard_ my deep desire to see the Hyuugas changed –

She who had tried to eliminate the Branch House…

She now lies silent and unresponsive in her bed.

Does she cry? Of course. But it is not tears that drip off her face as she sobs _silent sobs that cut me down because her screams her grief is all silent and never loud_, but those that slowly roll down her cheeks as she reflects _stares off into empty space _on happiness lost... Those are the tears that bring me to my knees beside her bed, that cause me to grip her unresponsive hand in a desperate attempt to stop my own shaking, that cause me to plead _to beg_ her to forgive me.

Forgive me for forcing upon you my troubles. Forgive me for burdening you with my hopes and desires.

Forgive me for pulling you into a conflict that wasn't yours.

Forgive me…!

Forgive me!

_Forgive me for you Happiness Lost. _

* * *

End. 

Kudos to anyone who can tell me what literature/literary novel I am taking from with that last line. And perhaps a sneak peak at the second installment of Diatribe?

Please review. I almost feel like no one is reading my work anymore.


	7. Perceived Masquerade

**A Note on this piece**: Maybe this piece is my diatribe against all those amateur writers who decide to reduce the complexity of Neji's character (or any 'mysterious' character for that matter) into a "Mask." Again and again I have seen/read about this "Mask" - I will admit that many times people do project an image of themselves and image that turns out to be false. But to simply say that stoicism, indifference, and silence (i.e. being a taciturn) is all part of an elaborate mask, and that these people/ characters are now incapable of human emotion is simply escapism – I feel as if you could not sit down and figure out how and why these characters act the way they do and for the sake of plot movement, you blamed it on a "Mask."

But don't misunderstand – there have been some great pieces about this "Mask," but generally, it is misused and abused.

Now, if I haven't scared you away yet, please enjoy. _Also, please tell me if I used too much italic/bolding. _

**Goal: **To sustain the emotion of Anger.

**Note:** Neji's anger will be explained/contextualized by the last line.

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'_So control your ignorance and reign in your foolish tongue – keep your theories and thoughts about our relationship to yourself. _

_For you know __**nothing**__.' _

_Masks._

Let us get this straight. Once and for All.

I do **not** wear a 'Mask.'

I do not _feign_ to disguise my emotions or feelings or _what have you_ behind a façade, because this indifference you see is not ruse, not an act – must I walk around with a constant smile, talk with animated, unnecessary hand motions so that people may feel comfortable? Must I bark out my laughter, scream out my rage, or twist my face in disgust at every opportunity?

And why?

For **who**?_ For who would I do so?_

So that everyone may more easily understand what I am thinking?

A quaint sentiment, indeed.

But a **Mask**? A _façade_?

What is the purpose? What is _its_ purpose?

To hide?

Do I feel an internal compulsion to bury and lock away my emotions, to hide my _oh so scarred_ heart from the cold cruel world? Do I shy away from human interaction because I fear that human compassion will melt away the _sturdy barriers of ice_ that guard my heart, and force me to confront my "scared and lost inner child," who is just crying _so desperately_ for someone to nurse and care for him?

Really, we allow our minds to slip too easily into such romantic fantasies.

I am a **Shinobi**. A _Konoha_ Shinobi – do not try and diagnose me as you would the dark and tragic and _**cheesy **_hero of your trashy romance novellas.

Allow me at least a **bit** of dignity.

And please, _please_, do not lean your head upon your palm and _sigh_ as you stare longingly and heedlessly at me. Do not hope against hope that if you stare long enough, you'll see through the 'windows to my soul' and glimpse at my inner self.

Do not try to see past a mask that does not exist – there is no inner child waiting for your clumsy hands to assuage and comfort, there are no barriers of ice for you to traverse and break down.

_Do not confuse self-control for a 'Mask.' _

And in the end, do not think that simply because I do not carelessly express my feelings and sentiments, that I am as stone.

Accept that my indifference for you is genuine and be done with it.

And for God sakes, never speak of my **Mask** again.

The only Mask that I ever voluntarily place on my face, with the intent to cover _anything_, is my ANBU mask. So do not get any romantic, over exaggerated ideas about healing my "scared and lost inner child."

Do not dare to presume that you _know me. _

There is only one woman who _knows_ me.

And it is not you.

And _oh look_! How your face crumbles at my harsh words.

Did I destroy your firm resolve with my choice words? Did I bring into question your long held reasoning on why your knight in shinning armor just seems to keep _galloping_ right by you?

Did I _**fuck**_ with your logic, destroy your resolve?

Foolish. Utterly foolish.

A mask.

A** mask**.

Ridiculous.

"_Why did he marry her? I did not think anyone could crack the Hyuuga's mask. Especially __**her**__ – so typical, so mundane! But if she can love a stone, then let her – I shall wait for my Knight while she will be stuck with her… unfeeling counterpart."_

END.

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**Note: I took a risk in writing and posting this second chapter. **There was a lot of anger involved, and I am uncertain if I went out of character – I have never encountered a well written piece that has Neji very _very_ angry, and so I did not know if I could even write such a piece and have it received well. 

So, please tell me how you read this piece. Whether it is a simple " I hated it. I was insulted." or something else, I would really like to know –

Can you really see Neji acting this way?

That is the question I would like you to answer.

_Please Review. And thank you again for reading this piece. _


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